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The (un)official Coronavirus guidelines

Grumpy John

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Latest government advice. PLEASE READ
Finally, we have some clarity...
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work
5. You should not go to the Doctors or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too unwell to go there
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be concerned. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global pandemic
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy several, just in case you need some. And pasta.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects
11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)
13. You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have in the cupboard as it's better not to go out shopping
15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours, including Pizza
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver or care home worker
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. Walking running or cycling requires 2metre social distancing but picnic eating at least 25 metres from others may result in life imprisonment.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not near plastic.
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes or “loose women” on TV can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted
25. You should stay “locked down” until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we all get infected. But not everyone.
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music
27. No business will go under due to Coronavirus but employees may not return to work due to Coronavirus but may be entitled to 80% full pay in June, if their employers business hasn’t closed in May.
Hopefully that cleared a few things up
 
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Pteranadon

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Thanks John.
A full list always helps!
 

Grumpy John

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As does a full glass.
 

Snips

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That list left out this one:

Asking your children to mix cocktails counts as chemistry classes
 

RyanB

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With the days blurring and my concept of time becoming skewed I think the 10am limit on drinking is a bit draconian as it makes my Pimms breakfast smoothie into more of a brunch thing. :p
 

Mike Singh

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Saw this elsewhere this morning. Definitely funny.
 
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